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Dec. 23rd, 2005

09:51 pm - being old and boring is pretty bad

i used to think about things that mattered. when i had slumber parties with friends, we would talk until morning about heaven, love, and the purpose of life. i would read books about it and think about it until my thoughts became so complicated that i had to read again to find answers. i felt like i wasn't willing to have a conversation unless it felt "important."
now all i seem to talk about is graduate school, work, or what my or my friend's plans are for the near future.
i talked with someone yesterday that gave me a glimpse of the sort of conversations i want to have with people. he also gave me a glimpse of the way i want to live my life.
i want to end every day feeling like i took every opportunity to experience everything there was to experience. i want to go to bed exhausted and hungry for tomorrow.

Nov. 11th, 2005

05:34 pm - me. being boring.

i love when my problems all disappear or turn into tiny simple situations. for the last week i have felt like a normal person. my happy times have been regular happy, and not so extreme that i'm trying to climb up my friends' bodies. and my sad times have not been bad at all.
my announcement is that i'm a regular person now. i enjoy my job, i spend time with friends a couple times a week, and i sleep regularly. this might be the dullest entry i have ever written, but it doesn't matter. maybe i like being boring.

i honestly have no complaints, and that is probably the one weird thing that's going on. the big things are about to start happening. i'm going to have a baby
fall in love
style my hair fancy
buy a house
finish my quilt
not yet though. i'm going to sit with this normal pleasant life for a while longer.

Oct. 31st, 2005

11:44 am - the spookiest day ever

this time of year always seems to bring me down.
on saturday night, i had to go to the emergency room because i got so sick. i stayed in bed all day yesterday, and now i mostly feel better. but i'm extremely depressed. i have been harassing my psychiatrisit, but she hasn't been super helpful. she said to do at least one thing a day that seems fun and to not hide away from my friends.
i used to love the fall, but i hate it now. now i see the direct connection between moods and seasons. i think anyone with a mood disorder probably hates the fall.

Oct. 27th, 2005

12:13 am

i'm depressed again. this is so stupid.

i would like an attractive man to come to my house and kiss me. then i would like to tango with him for about an hour. after that, he would kiss me again and ask if he could fold my laundry and buy me a bed. of course, i would let him do these things. when he got home from bed shopping, he would carry it to my room and make my bed with silky soft sheets and a down comforter. i would snuggle up with my stuffed bunny in the bed until the man would come back up with some hot cocoa and buttered toast. he would give me a back massage with warm oil. i would fall asleep and he would go and come back when i wake up in the morning. (or maybe he would hug me all night- it depends on how i feel.)
in the morning he would hug me when i woke up and let me cry to him about how scared i was to be alive. i would cry just enough to get it out, but not so much that i drown in it. then he would give me breakfast in bed with tea. he would read me some poems, and cuddle with me for a while longer. we would kiss each other for a while until our bodies were warm enough to get up and get dressed. he would walk me to my yoga class and meet me back at my house afterwords. i would get home and he would be in my bed. i would get in with him and he would read while i worked on sewing my quilt.
i would have to go to work at noon. there is no avoiding that (unless that man pays for all my needs and i quit my job.) after work, he would come over and cuddle with me in bed until i fell asleep.

can that happen?

Oct. 26th, 2005

01:16 am - i'm going to write a novel in a month.

i don't know what to write my novel about, but luke told me about this yesterday, and i think i'm going to do it. i have never written a novel. (i know i'm also working on a self-help book, but that is different.)

if anyone knows what i should write about, please give me tips. i also challenge everyone to write a novel with me.

Oct. 14th, 2005

12:02 am - ralfie

i had a bad day at work.
when i got home, i collapsed on the couch on the porch, and a little cat meowed at me. his name is now ralfie. he is my best friend, and he made my day. i have never been more pleasantly surprised in my life.

Oct. 12th, 2005

11:45 am - tango last night

last night i went to tango and was too clumsy. usually i'm pretty ok at it, but i was stumbling over everything.
my doctor told me that i need to sleep more. she said that the sleep between 12-2 is the most important sleep someone can get. i rarely get to sleep before 2. i tried, but i ended up inviting a friend over at 11pm to make cookies.

this is totally off the topic, but the bob dylan documentary is the best thing i have ever seen. he is one of the few magical creatures that set foot on this planet.

Oct. 11th, 2005

06:28 pm - mtv

lately i have found so many ways to express myself, that i have neglected this journal. when that happens, i end up getting disconnected from all my friends from far away.
my goal for this week is to become more emotionally stable than i have ever been. i think it's working. i'm going to make a self-help book for the world. if anyone wants one, just tell me. it might be 100 pages long, so you'll probably have to give me some money for printing. it's going to be called "the journey of a unicorn in america."

my birthday is on november 8. i will be having a performance and dinner party at my house. if you want to get me a gift, the main thing i want is a cello. make sure you don't accidentally get me a small one. it has to be full sized because i'm an adult.
i have a new friend named christopher, and he plays the clarinet. we are preparing a ghost concerto where i play the cello.

Aug. 23rd, 2005

02:16 pm - portland isn't treating me right these days

guys keep calling me to do things like camping for the weekend or sharing a fruit salad.
unfortunately these guys are from completely different planets than me. and even more unfortunately, the planets are the boring ones that i'm not interested in exploring.
i want them to stop calling me, but i'm afraid if they stop calling me then no one will call me.
i miss living in utah sometimes. it's been over 4 years since i moved away (i think.)
i need to meet kindred spirits here. dana is the only person i have here that i feel is from my planet. i didn't meet her here though. i met her in olympia.
the last three new people i have kissed made me not want to kiss anyone ever again.
what i'm trying to say in all of this is that i'm feeling extremely disconnected. i can't even imagine feeling connected to my family right now. so, i'm floating in space, and this is what life is probably going to be like for a long time.

Jul. 20th, 2005

03:27 pm - lonely

even though i just hung out with dana and liam, i feel really lonely right now.
i feel like i'm not part of anything.
i want someone to come knock on my door and say hello as if he/she did it all the time. as if that's the way it's meant to be.
but that won't happen today. it's one of those days where i'm invisible wherever i go.

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